What the World Needs Now

I’m not usually about fads, but every once in a while, one crops up that I just can’t ignore. (Past culprits include jelly bracelets, Tamagotchi virtual pets and the heinous Lou Bega “Mambo Number 5” song. Hey, judge not, okay?)

I found the latest culprit on The Cure for Boredom. No, not Half-Nekkid Thursday. I'm talking about the practice of using Google as an advisor-entertainment medium in the vein of a Magic 8 ball or a Ouija board. The deal is, you go to Google, type in “your name needs” and then list the top 10 results in your blog.

How can you pass that up?

Ann needs:

1. If Rhonda insists on aborting, Ann needs to let her know that she cannot . Ummm, okay. But I don’t know anyone named Rhonda and I’m not sure I’m in any position to give someone advice on childbearing.

2. Dally Ann Needs Your Help! Dally Ann is in desperate need of surgery! Ah, yes. This is closer to the truth. I could do with a bit of liposuction.

3. The last thing Jo Ann needs is appearance enhancement: She's young, thin, Would that I were Jo Ann, instead of just plain Ann.

4. Ann Needs Your Help. Poor Ann. It's clear from one look at the woman that she’s been spending far too much time helping Christianize famine-stricken future second-amendment-defending Republicans in the third world, and neglecting the most important person of all: Ann.
Ha! Please do go participate in Buy Ann Coulter a Cheeseburger Day.

5. Of course, the primary factor is the grade (1). The ANN needs the current grade
I just don’t think I’m making the grade here.

6. Lucy Ann needs to be indoors only. and should be in a home with adults or.
older children who will respect her tortie whims and wishes
Yes! When am I going to find a home with adults and older children who will respect my whims and wishes?

7. Ann Needs to Get Ahold of Herself.
Frankly, this one hits pretty damn close to home.

8. Ann needs one of those dressing room stand-up mirrors just to handle her face, and I'll bet Sean dresses in women's lingerie and likes the cat-o-nine tails ...
For the record, I avoid mirrors and I have no idea who Sean is. Really.

9. Ann needs help with bristle worms.
I was really hoping to keep that one a secret. Is there no such thing as privacy?

10. Ann needs to find her inner-child and beat the chit out of her. Who raised this creature?
Indeed. You can find one of the responsible parties here.

I don’t know about you, but that was an enjoyable two minutes. What did we do on Friday nights before the Internet? (OK, I had Nerd Nights with one of my best friends that consisted of renting movies and eating popcorn. But besides that, what did we do?)

What I found particularly enjoyable about this whole exercise is how you learn something from everything, even if it’s just a fad. In the past, I’ve learned that jewelry you have to cut off to remove is just not cool. I’ve learned that I don’t have the patience to minister to something that beeps every three minutes and those damn virtual pets are nearly impossible to kill. I’ve also learned that you should never, EVER, no matter how cool you think a song is, impulse buy a musical instrument. (Anyone looking to buy a trumpet, barely used?)

Googling what I need has made me think about what I actually need. (I am just going to skip the whole damn internal dialog I have to have all the time about wants versus needs.) Having found my inner child, faced the truth about my bristle worms and gotten ahold of myself, I think I need an ending for my second book, a dog, and the winning numbers to the EuroMillions lottery draw tonight. I don’t ask for much, really.